Friday, June 13, 2008

Handcuffs And Crap, Part Two!!!

The cast of characters is as follows:

Jamie: My son
Mary Kate: My niece
Nonnie: My mom
Poppy: My dad

So you already know that Nonnie got Jamie some handcuffs yesterday. Aside from that, the kids went swimming in the lake, played on the playground and went to McDonald’s. According to the report I just received from my mom, she was long overdue for a nap (bless her heart! – Oh, by the way, that’s what we say in The South, “bless your heart.” As in, “She’s so tired, bless her heart,” or, “She’s so stupid, bless her heart.” It’s a universal term).

So she feels that the kids are fine since Jamie is watching a video and Mary Kate is working on one of her magazine projects (that means cutting out pictures) and she’ll go lay down. She says that shortly thereafter she heard crying—no— screaming. She thinks one of the kids must have fallen and runs to check. No one is “injured,” it’s just that it seems the key to the handcuffs no longer works and Mary Kate has been detained indefinitely. This doesn’t set well with MK, who can wail like nobody’s business despite her tiny frame. She is at this time doing so. Jamie is crying because he thinks he’s in trouble. Poppy is pissed because he can’t get the key to work, either. Mom is trying to keep herself together until Poppy returns with… Wait for it...

BOLT CUTTERS!!!!
Mom wants to know if I’ve ever seen a pair of bolt cutters. I tell her hell yeah I’ve seen bolt cutters!!! She says oh you should have seen how big Mary Kate’s eyes got!!! I can freaking imagine, Mom! At this point both Nonnie and Jamie are crying and Mary Kate is shrieking to high heaven. Here comes Poppy with the bolt cutters! (Hey, kid, as long as I have these out let’s take care of that loose tooth of yours!) Holy shit. Then about two seconds later Poppy takes the bolt cutters to the handcuffs and Mary Kate draws back a bloody stump… Just kidding. Free at last!!! Everyone is fine, now. I’m sure that my mom, though, who can barely drink one glass of wine, was shooting tequila until she passed out last night.

It’s only funny because no one got hurt. Oh and because I wasn’t there.

8 comments:

Harmony said...

Bolt cutters...really?! That is hilarious! I am glad I wasn't there too...but I would love to see it on video...I have a sick sense of humor!!!

Amy said...

Harmony: Yes, really... Well you are the only sicko out there! Welcome to the club. Ha.

tracey said...

It's all fun and games til Poppy brings out the bolt cutters!

Regan said...

In our house, we'd have first told the kids, "Ok then. We'll have to cut MK's hands off now. That'll teach you." We'd wait a beat before assuring the kids we were kidding, but the seed would be sown. They wouldn't be SURE we were kidding. That's how sick we are. Too much?

Amy said...

Regan: Nah! I think you and I need to hang out. I think we could start some shit. You got a camera?

Cary said...

He should've cut Nonnie's bolt for giving that gift to a kid. Duh! Two kids, one gets handcuffs. Gee, I wonder what he'll do with them.. hmmm?

Lindsey said...

I've heard, from reliable Southern sources, that the phrase "bless your heart" is actually a nice way of saying "everyone pities you, you pathetic lump". If that's true, everyone pities pathetic lump me, because I hear "bless your heart" a lot.

Amy said...

Lindsey: Bless your heart! Ha. j/k... Like I said, it's a universal term 'round these parts, and just for clarification, I in NO WAY would ever imply that my mom is a pathetic lump. She's awesome, but she's also almost 70 and the kids, well, are kids.