Sunday, June 8, 2008

Dear Mr. and Ms. A-Hole

Dear Mr. and Ms. A-Hole Moviegoers:

I realize that it’s a free country and you paid the same amount that I did to go see the Indiana Jones movie today. However, for future reference and for the sake of your fellow moviegoers you might want to think about the following next time you go:

It was Sunday at 11:30. There were a TOTAL of ten (yes, I counted) other patrons in the theater when you arrived. Therefore, we were all spaced out nicely and basically all had a row all to ourselves. Apparently you didn’t notice that. I mean, how often do you get to go to the movies and basically have your choice of 240 out of 250 seats? That must have been a shock and surprise to you because you chose to ignore the situation and sit at the end of our row at the top of the steps. Fine. That’s your prerogative. However, in civilized movie-going culture when someone needs to get past you, the tradition is that you will perform The Seat Shift. Since you were obviously not familiar The Seat Shift, I shall describe it for you:

Moviegoer A (in this case, ME) whispers, “excuse me” as he/she attempts to move out of the aisle. Moviegoer B (in this case, YOU, Ms. A-Hole) performs The Seat Shift. The Seat Shift can be accomplished in two different ways.

Method One: Moviegoer B swings their feet, via butt cheek rotation, to the opposite site of their seat, therefore allowing a reasonable space by which Moviegoer A can pass as swiftly and efficiently as possible and get to the restroom without missing too much of the film. In your case, however, the “excuse me” was met with zero reaction and zero Seat Shift.

Method Two would have been appropriate in combination for both of you. Since you were on the end of the aisle at the top of the steps, Mr. A. In your case, (I'm talking to you, Mr. A-Hole) when I returned from my trip The Seat Shift With Leg Tuck would have been appropriate. i.e., scoot back in your seat therefore allowing you to tuck you feet beneath your seat for 1.5 seconds while I passed. Instead, you refused to move and I ACCIDENTALLY stepped on the edge of your shoe and for which you gave me a nasty look. I apologized, but your SIGH indicated that my apology was not accepted. In the meantime, Ms. A-Hole, you could have again facilitated Method One and I would have returned to my seat without incident. Instead, you refused to budge and therefore forced ME to climb OVER YOU. Nice. Very, very nice indeed!

You know what, though? The next time the two of you go to the movies you might not encounter the polite, patient and sincere person you met today. Next time you might get the person that tells you to move the fuck out of the way. Next time you might meet a person that’s twice the asshole you both were put together.

May you have popcorn stuck in your gums for a month.

No Love,

Amy

15 comments:

Cary said...

I am that asshole they will meet next time. I have no qualms whatsoever about telling people like that to move their goddamned feet so I can get by, unless of course they want to feel the full weight of my 220 lb frame on their little toesies.

Fuckers.

Reenie said...

Amy: I have sped-read several of your posts and subscribed, as well as added your link at my place. Funny, timely stuff. I'm stealing the video from your *Service* post. Omigod. So funny and true. Also, I live on a mountain in the woods in Tennessee (good god, did I spell that right - I moved here two years ago) and there are lots of turtles in the woods. This time of year the females venture out to lay eggs.

Anyway, you can blame Cary if you find me lurking around here. :)

Rph Mommy said...

Found you through LOTD. Loving it. Look forward to reading more!

Greta said...

Ugh. I HATE that. Also...our 5 yr old had to take one for the team and go see it w/ us (her brother is HUGE FAN!!!). We had snarky-judgmental people in front of us. I wanted to shout, "NO worrie here! My daughter knows it's not ok to say son of a bitch or punch communits in the face!"

TheCottonWife said...

I'm going to start telling myself that this is why I don't go to the movies. Real reason? I'm 45 minutes from a theater and there's nothing good out anymore. God, I sound old.

Funny blog!

Reenie said...

Oh, I forgot to leave my all-important comment about Mr. & Mrs. A-Hole. Because I am now fairly isolated, I do Netflix. But several years ago when I was still in Southern California (good God, did I spell that right – I moved away about two years ago), I went to a large stadium-styled theatre with a friend for a matinee showing. Another couple entered and deliberated where to sit in the empty theatre. We viewers totaled FOUR, and Mr. and Mrs. A-Hole chose to sit: Right. In. Front. Of. Us. *sigh* But omigosh my friend and I laughed so hard – I mean really laughed. Of course Mr. and Mrs. A-Hole weren’t blocking our view because of the theatre’s stadium configuration, but why the heck sit in front of us! It must be some instinctive and latent survival tendency with moronic humans to cluster.

sarah said...

classic, check out my blog if you would like to, I linked to you from LOTD.

http://whatimightandmightnotknow.blogspot.com/

Amy said...

Cary: That's it. I'm bringing you with me next time.

Reenie: Hey! Welcome and thanks... Lurk all you want, sister!

rph: Hi... Thank you for checking it out! I think I owe LOTD a fruit basket.

Greta: Did you like it? I'm on the fence.

tcw: You are right, and I don't care how close or how far I live... I always have this kind of crap happen to me! Thanks for the compliment.

Reenie: You think they travel the country looking for people to piss off? I'm convinced they do.

Harmony said...

Popped in from LOTD...you are hilarious! I avoid those types of situations by sitting at the end of the aisle (I don't mind getting out of the way for people)...it's not always the best seat in the house, but we hardly ever go.

Amy said...

Sarah: Thanks, girl... I'll be over in a minute!

Harmony: Thank you, too!! We hardly go, either, but my kid thought it would be "cool" to sit all the way in the back. Usually I make him do the aisle thing, too. I have learned my lesson.

Amber said...

Or since they were at the end of the aisle, one or both of them could have just stood up out of your way.

I would have ended up yelling excuse me into their faces, and any stepping on would have been quite purposeful. >=D

holly said...

hi amy!! Glad to see you get some exposure from lotd! You are the only one there who makes comments about my comments, so naturally, I love you. :) keep up the good work! Do you mind if I link to you?

Amy said...

Amber: That would have been the "nice" thing to do, huh??? Oh and I really did want to yell at those shitheads, but my kid was there and I try to pretend that I am a good person (at least out in public).

Holly: Heya!!! Love you, too!!! Absolutely, please, link me!!! (That sounded kinky).

Lindsey said...

Hm. My comment from yesterday didn't appear. And now I'm too damn lazy to type it out again. I'll just type the first part, which was: That was freakin' hysterical and I love that the way you type sounds just like my inner dialogue.

Amy said...

Lindsey... Hey, sorry about that... Still working out some kinks on my end, too... Thank you for taking the time to comment again and for letting me know that someone else out there has the same (brilliant!) type of thinking.