Dear Mr. and Ms. A-Hole Moviegoers:
I realize that it’s a free country and you paid the same amount that I did to go see the Indiana Jones movie today. However, for future reference and for the sake of your fellow moviegoers you might want to think about the following next time you go:
It was Sunday at 11:30. There were a TOTAL of ten (yes, I counted) other patrons in the theater when you arrived. Therefore, we were all spaced out nicely and basically all had a row all to ourselves. Apparently you didn’t notice that. I mean, how often do you get to go to the movies and basically have your choice of 240 out of 250 seats? That must have been a shock and surprise to you because you chose to ignore the situation and sit at the end of our row at the top of the steps. Fine. That’s your prerogative. However, in civilized movie-going culture when someone needs to get past you, the tradition is that you will perform The Seat Shift. Since you were obviously not familiar The Seat Shift, I shall describe it for you:
Moviegoer A (in this case, ME) whispers, “excuse me” as he/she attempts to move out of the aisle. Moviegoer B (in this case, YOU, Ms. A-Hole) performs The Seat Shift. The Seat Shift can be accomplished in two different ways.
Method One: Moviegoer B swings their feet, via butt cheek rotation, to the opposite site of their seat, therefore allowing a reasonable space by which Moviegoer A can pass as swiftly and efficiently as possible and get to the restroom without missing too much of the film. In your case, however, the “excuse me” was met with zero reaction and zero Seat Shift.
Method Two would have been appropriate in combination for both of you. Since you were on the end of the aisle at the top of the steps, Mr. A. In your case, (I'm talking to you, Mr. A-Hole) when I returned from my trip The Seat Shift With Leg Tuck would have been appropriate. i.e., scoot back in your seat therefore allowing you to tuck you feet beneath your seat for 1.5 seconds while I passed. Instead, you refused to move and I ACCIDENTALLY stepped on the edge of your shoe and for which you gave me a nasty look. I apologized, but your SIGH indicated that my apology was not accepted. In the meantime, Ms. A-Hole, you could have again facilitated Method One and I would have returned to my seat without incident. Instead, you refused to budge and therefore forced ME to climb OVER YOU. Nice. Very, very nice indeed!
You know what, though? The next time the two of you go to the movies you might not encounter the polite, patient and sincere person you met today. Next time you might get the person that tells you to move the fuck out of the way. Next time you might meet a person that’s twice the asshole you both were put together.
May you have popcorn stuck in your gums for a month.