Saturday, December 19, 2009

I Don't Want No Scrub

An appropriate rerun...

To my married and otherwise committed friends out there:

I know your spouse/significant other sometimes gets on your nerves, or says something stupid, or farts too much, but please do me this favor: First, thank your lucky stars you aren’t “out there” right now, looking for love. Second, go hug, kiss or otherwise pleasure the person you are with because when I get through here you will feel like the luckiest person in the world. Why, you say? Two words: Internet dating. Yup, I am there. Gone are the days when Chuck Woolery was here to help. Now it seems I am at the mercy of the Web.

So it’s been interesting to say the least. Sometimes it’s downright hilarious. And yes, there have been some holy-shit-who-is-this-crazy-bastard moments, too. Thankfully, though, there are just some plain nice people out there who I won’t make fun of. They are the ones that keep the hope alive that at the age of sixty I won’t be talking to one of my ninety cats all day long and calling my son over to rub lotion on his momma’s feet.

The best way to explain this, I guess, is to break it down into categories:

Good god almighty. It’s one thing to have someone stare at the girls during a face to face conversation, but behind the keyboard and across the web there is a whole other perverted and eye-contactless world waiting there. Good thing I’m not that hot, because who the hell knows what they would say, then… I’ve been asked to meet here or there inside a five minute email exchange. I’ve been asked for photos (and no, not because I have a nice smile and they want to see more of the same). I’ve been asked for videos, and yes of exactly what you think they want on that video tape. Sorry, my camera is in the shop.

Stupid Idiots:
I’m sorry to have to call out the dummies, but they deserve it! The language is English. If spelling the word “the” is a challenge to you, please go elsewhere. I got a message from one (of many of the language-challenged) who asked me to call. No, I won’t call you. After reading your profile, I am confident I made the right decision because the caption of you pictured next to the General Lee reads “me with car at paint shop.” What it should read is “Me man. You woman. Me club you on head. Make you mine.” That would be charming. Next!

The Clingers:
Please, please, please! Just because I answered your inquiry by saying “hello, I’m fine, and how are you?” Does not mean that I am immediately interested in eighty exchanges every day about how you have to go fix your momma’s stopped up drain or what fabric softener you prefer or what your dog’s potty habits are. I don’t want to be mean to you but you are making it really difficult not to tell you to please get a life and go the eff away.

Let’s get something straight: I use “lol.” I like “lol.” But not every question/comment/show idea requires “lol” at the beginning, middle and end. And just because your question/comment/show idea is peppered with “lol” it does not erase the fact that you just asked me to “get naked,” or do “x, y and z” to you… Sorry, Cowboy, that ain’t no way to lasso this filly.


The Marryers:
I’m sorry. I’ve never laid eyes on you and I will not marry you. As thoughtful and romantic as being proposed to via email is, I’m afraid I can’t lower my standards on this one. I hope we can still be friends. (Not really, but you are supposed to say that, right?)

Mister Cliche:
"If I could change the alphabet I would put u and i together." Are you fucking kidding me? If I could change the alphabet, I would put k and m in front of a!!!

The Axe-Murderers:

Yes, they are out there! Beware, sisters. I got a beautiful email from one. When I looked at “interests” on his profile he listed “poking things with a stick.” I shit you not! His idea of a first date: “Sex first, then we will see if we can be friends.” Wow, I am tingly already! Oh and just shy of a swastika tattoo on his forehead, he is a shoe-in to win the next Charlie Manson look-alike contest. Be afraid! Be very afraid!

Shirtless Rednecks:
Unfortunately, geography is not in my favor here. Shirtless is OK, I suppose, but probably not truly appropriate for your profile picture unless you are at the beach or pool. You, shirtless, sweaty, leaning on your pickup truck in front of the junkyard/trailer park just doesn’t do it for me. Oh and if “four wheeling” is all you can give me under what interests you, I’m not.

So my friends, I’ll say it again. Thank your lucky stars you aren’t along for the ride… Oh and wish me luck, I have a date Friday night.


Cary said...

Fricken. Hilarious.

"Poking things with a stick." Nice.

Putting KM in front of A. Nice.

"Me with car" sounds like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Stellar post, Aim. I gwana link to it at LOTD if you'll let me.

Anonymous said...

Oh, don't forget "Mr. I cancelled my plans for tomorrow" . . . um, we're having dinner, not breakfast. You WON'T be busy tomorrow, call your buddy and tell him that you're calendar has been cleared and you are now available to play golf.

gaga said...

Shirtless Rednecks - let us not forget that beside the 14 photos of them in a wifebeater with their "I *heart* Momma tatts showing and their beer bellies rubbing up against their carburetors they say they are looking for a "hot, thin, 23-25 year old." What a joke.

I did for a miserable 6 months about 2 years ago. Had a great first date with Loser #1 who really did seem great and then never called again. No big deal. Until he turned up on my doorstep unannounced 3 weeks later to tell me he thought "Maybe" he had made a mistake in not calling.

Loser #2 - we had 4 dates over 2 weeks (2 of which I paid for) and he started talking about me moving in. I had JUST REDONE MY KITCHEN!!!! And also his house reeked of cat pee. Red flag anyone?

Loser #3 - oh this was the worst. During dinner he mentioned that his ex wife was a bi-sexual marriage counselor. After the date I did some digging in my personal files and his ex-wife was the marriage counselor I and my ex saw - the one who suggested that we could fix the things in our marriage by having a threesome with her. Even though I was not attracted to him at all anyway and he was quite dull and not at all funny he could have been Brad Pitt and this eeeewwwww factor would have been enough.

And those are the ones that made it to the date. I had at least 3 requests to "pee" on guys over the phone. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

I am now extremely happily single and living in my little house with my 3 cats. I have instructed several friends to kick me firmly in my big, 46 year old ass if I ever mention "winking" at someone.

Life is too short to deal with crap like internet dating.

amy said...

Cary: Thank you, dahling... Link away!!!

Anon: Good god. You must live around here.

Gaga: OK, you win! You have my sympathy.

Reenie said...

I have been busy with houseguests and missed this, but will now probably be back several times. I've encountered some real unacceptable-types on Match.hell

I was this close >< to having a luncheon date with someone who was going to drive from Memphis to Nashville. (I was visiting relatives in Nashville.) The night before our date I got an email that said, "Reenie, you're so sweet I could lick you all over." I replied, "I'm sorry. You've mistaken me for a lollipop." I cancelled the date and blocked his emails.

I could go on and on. I've only gone on one Internet date. It was one of the best *days* of my life - we had so much fun, then he ruined it by trying to get into my knickers. He was verbablly agressive. When I resisted he said (I swear to you) "Reenie, a woman your age should take advantage of every opportunity." I responded, "You've been dating for 20 years, I've been dating for 5 hours - you've probably met a lot of needy women and I'm not one of them. " That didn't stop him. He said, "Well, then what will it take?" I said, "A lobotomy."

I cancelled my membership.

Reenie said...

BTW, good luck on the date. Can't wait to get the report.

I really enjoyed your descriptions. The Cappers. OMIGOD. LOL and LOL and LOL again and again.

amy said...

Reenie: Hello, my friend! Missed you... Seems there are a lot of people (not just women) who can identify here. Sad, huh? Cary in all his coolness posted this on LOTD also... All went well for me this weekend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Daisy said...

What a laugh, Amy! Great post. Hope the date went well. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, Amy. You are too frickin' hilarious for your own good. I saw this both places and just haven't had time to comment. Can't wait to hear about your date, though if it was a good one, you might want to keep it private. We'd understand. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for reminding me why I'm glad I'm not single. Now when my husband stinks up the bathroom, I'll go in and take a big whiff of "married".

Rob Strickland said...

Hmm I could chime in with all manner of things that girls on dating sites write...but nah, it would take up too much space in your blog! haha

Even with the crap that comes with it, you CAN find somebody worth knowing on those sites.

amy said...

Rob: I would be more than just a little curious to know what women say. Plus that would only be fair, right? ;)

Absolutely there are people worth knowing. I think it makes the effort all the more worthwhile. Sometimes it pays to be stubborn, huh?

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