A lot has happened to me since I posted this a year ago today. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. My son continues to thrive and grow and remains the most fantastic, amazing and lovable person I know. For me, the obvious hurt feelings here still exist, but they are much easier to deal with now that I am sober and have come to grips with what truly makes me happy: My life! I wish no ill will to those who chose not to be a part of it or my son's. I'm sharing this again for those of you who might be new here. Perhaps you know of someone with a similar experience...
(Originally posted October 5, 2007):
It is hard to believe that five years ago today that I watched my husband die. Sometimes it seems like it just happened. Sometimes it seems like forever ago, a distant memory. My son was only two at the time. So much has happened since then:
We’ve made a home for ourselves closer to my family, a move that I am positive was the best thing for us both. The love and support that he and I get from my family is priceless. He goes to a great school that is close to home and to my work and is advancing along as well as I could ever hope. My son is remarkable, and the purest reason I can think of for everything that I do. He is smart, funny, creative and able to adapt to almost any situation. I don’t think it’s arrogant when I say that I have the kid that people actually like to see coming--and I get that even from people who claim not to like children…
What I don’t get is this: Even if I did have “that kid” (the one that makes people cringe, the tiny terror, the problem child, whatever) I do not understand to this day why my husband’s parents, brothers or sister have not seen their grandson/nephew since they were in Florida for my husband’s funeral. Not once. Not once have they asked. Not once have they offered to have us come and visit, or to come and see us. Not once have they called him on the telephone. The only communication I get from them is a box addressed to my son around Christmastime. I have been tempted to throw it away, but never have.
Last year, I finally tried reaching out to my husband’s sister. I wrote her a letter and included pictures of my son. I explained that it didn’t matter to me what the family thought of me, but that I just wanted them to know this beautiful boy. A couple of months later I received a Christmas card with a brief note inside from her, saying that she was really busy but would be in touch after the holidays. That was almost a year ago, and I’ve had no word since. They don’t know what they are missing. Like I said, I don’t care what they think about me, but it’s funny how I have been treated more like an ex-wife than a widow by these people. The only thing I ever did was love their son and mine with all my heart.
15 comments:
Okay, now I'm crying. Did you used to have another blog before this one? I can't go back any farther than August '07. You are remarkably strong, and though I don't even know you, my heart aches. As for the lame "family," my take on that has always been that just because you are "related" to someone, that doesn't mean a relationship is going to exist. Nor should one, if they are as hurtful and bewildering as this. Seek out people who are good for you, and for your son. You both deserve better.
Holly: Oh, you sweet thing... Yes, I did have another but wanted to be able to talk a little more openly, so I created this one... Thank you for your support, and I'll try to make you laugh more often.
Amy, your son is a beautiful little boy. How anyone can turn their backs on him is incomprehensible to me.
Nothing I could say will be of any help here, so I just send you my best.
Thank you, Merle.
I am stunned by this, but anymore nothing surprises me. People can be so cruel, so cruel. My former inlaws are the cruelest people I've evereverever known and they operate under the guise of being good Christians. Bleh. The reason I can live with it so easily is that they are very kind and loving and generous to my children. BUT, interestingly, my kids aren't fooled - they know the grandparent's behavior is horrid. I am so sorry that your former MIL chooses to treat you and your beautiful son the way she does.
Reenie: Sorry so long in responding to you... "Bleh" is right. And so is the idea that you can act one way towards one person and one way to others and think that's OK. A bit arrogant, isn't it?
What Merle said.
Of course it would be wonderful if they were interested in J, but honestly, they don't deserve him or the joy that would come from a relationship with him. Pearls before swine and all that. And he's doing fine without them. Most of us had "good" grandparents and lame grandparents, so at least they are filling that role for you. =)
Seeing you so happy makes my heart dance, Aim. You are a strong and courageous woman. I admire you, and I am proud of you beyond words.
One day soon I'll come over and go to a meeting with you. I would love that.
Oh, and I second what Holly wrote too. Well said, Holly.
And what Reen said too, of course. She is a wise woman.
Sorry for the multiple comments and three shots of Thong Mullet Man.
cary/thong mullet man: lovely. thank you.
I didn't want to presume, but I'll join you and Cary. :)))))
Amy, I've been a little overwhelmed by my life lately, but want you to know, for what it's worth, I pray for you.
As for the disconnect with your husbands' family, I firmly believe that the people in your life file into A & B & C lists. A listers are the people who you choose to keep in your life because it's mutually healthy. Both sides care about the other and both accept and forgive the crap. B listers are there because they have to be and only want to maintain the relationship because they can get something from you. C listers are where your inlaws come in. They are part of your life in name only. Everyone who commented ahead of me is right - you have a healthier life without them. Anyone who would "punish" your son & dishonor their own son because of some perceived problem with you has bigger issues than you as a single Mom need to deal with. Fill your life with people who really know you and love you. The rest is just trash.
Reenie: I can't think of anyone I'd rather... Presume away, my friend!
Tracey: It's worth everything in the world to me that you pray for me. My strength comes from people like you and everyone else here who is so generous with their positive, supportive, and most of all, loving comments. It makes the notion of "accepting the things I cannot change" that much easier to realize.
I just don't understand how people can be SO cruel...I agree with everyone that commented before me...you are definitely better off without them...I am SO sorry.
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