Euuuww

"Loverboy"? Are you serious? And this guy? Really?

I'm not against most well-used terms of endearment, but people that use that particular expression are the same ones that say things like, "No one puts Baby in a corner." Bleah. Ick. Tooey! Plus this guy is just, well, you decide...

I need a new bathroom, but not this bad!

Doing The Math

Hey, check it out! Today the beer ticker reads 100!!! Woohoo! One hundred days that I haven't had a drink...

Only a few days after I stopped drinking something strange happened. Not only was I not drunk/hungover, but life in general became much more manageable thanks to something I like to call Beer Math. The beer ticker over there is one thing, but actually sitting down and looking at the numbers involved in my personal consumption were staggering--even in the early days-- and are much more significant now as the days mount up.

One of the most important (and most difficult) aspects of sobriety for me has been this math. The difficult part is thinking about what I have been doing to my body all these years but guess what? I can't undo the past, and I accept that. My past has made me what I am today. Bitch with a beer aside, I'm a good person with something to offer the world: The real (sober!) me.

So check this out: This is based on a daily consumption (and a conservative average, by the way) of twelve (count 'em!) beers a day. Yup, t-w-e-l-v-e. Toldja I was a drunk...

Twelve beers a day times one hundred days equals 1,200 beers not consumed. That's ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED beers!!! (How the hell did I get there?)

Twelve beers a day times 110 calories each times 100 days equals 132,000 (one hundred thirty-two thousand! Yikes!) calories not consumed. (No wonder my old clothes fit me again!)

A twelve-pack a day (again, a conservative average) at $11 each times 100 days equals $1,100 not spent on beer. (Good thing since I'm not working and my son's teeth have cost me that much in the last three months!)

So today is another day, but is going to be a good one now that we are in the triple digits. I have to say this, too: Those of you who have offered to share your own experiences, love and support to me have been absolutely priceless in my sobriety. There is no kind of math in the world that can measure what you all have meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Soup! There It Is...

JT showed up on SNL last weekend with Beyonce. It was funny, but this one is second only to "D*** in the Box" for me!

You gotta hand it to the guy for not taking himself to seriously: Among other things, he's appeared on SNL with a gift-wrapped hoo-hoo, wearing high heels and a leotard, and here as Cup O' Noodles... I loves me some JT!!!

How Do I Feel This Good...?

The latest from Pink, entitled "Sober."

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at 4 o’clock in the morning
‘Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

TWOO

When I was a kid, there was a certain time each year that one of our three television channels would air The Wizard of Oz. Each year, we would watch it. Each year, the flying monkeys scared the beejeezus out of me.

Tonight my son and I were watching it and talking while I cleaned up the kitchen, and that was just about the time that the monkey swarm started on the TV. I told him that the flying monkeys used to scare me when I was his age.

He laughed... A total Mom-you-are-such-a-dork laugh...

What? I said. You don't think they're scary?

No! He says. I think they're funny!

Why do you think they're funny? I say.

Because they are. Look at 'em bouncing around with their little wings! He says.

Well I thought they were really scary, I say...

While I scrub the top of the stove I start in on him and tell him that he gets to see a lot of stuff that I wasn't allowed to when I was his age and that back then that type of thing was really scary. Then I stop talking and start thinking: My mind switches from defensive to paranoid. I'm thinking that I'm a bad mom and my kid is jaded and that maybe I am too lenient and oh god what if he thinks torturing girls (and their little dogs, too) is something funny?!!! Holy crap what have I done? I'm raising a desensitized, violence-loving, girl-with-dog hating son when I look up...

He is at the opposite end of the kitchen from me and is in the midst of doing a spot-on, pre-flight flying monkey impression, hopping around the kitchen all crouched over and begins ooh-ooh-oohing as we lock eyes. It was freakin' hilarious... And so are the flying monkeys.

Duh!!!

Last night I asked my son what kind of homework he had.

Math.

What else?

Watch the election.

Good. We were going to do that, anyway. What else?

Fluency.

OK... What kind of math?

Times... Clocks, not this: (makes an "x" in the air with his finger).

You could have just said t-i-m-e-s, too. (Just as the words escape my lips I can't believe how stupid that statement is).

He looks at me. I look at him. We laugh. A lot.

Normally I take issue with the word, but in this case it was warranted:

Say it, I tell him.

DUH!!!